XENOGEARS: A ROPE OF ROBOTS
(part twelve)

Okay, narration, we can do this. D Block cannot last forever! Push forward!!

Back in Nortune, our heroes reconvene in the prison dorm. Rico is mad because Fei and Doc kept him waiting! Fei blames Doc for being a bleeding-heart pussy and burying the sewer monster, which is what Doc presumably told Fei he was doing when he fucked off to cyberspace. There are like multiple levels of dickishness there, jeez.

Oh well, at least the murders have ended!

Yes.

And I've been proven innocent!

...Yes.

I'm getting pretty sick of your strategic ellipsis use, Doc.

Rico is glad that everyone has got their shit together, but he reminds Fei that their friendship ends here! On the battlefield, they will be ENEMIES. The giant robot battlefield. GIANT ROBOT ENEMIES.

So that injury of yours is okay, right?

Look, sweetheart, a word of advice: don't worry about your enemies. You don't want to be the one who loses!

If you get me.

Gotten! Dear god.

This narration is awful, don't listen to it. Fei and Citan decide that Rico is too much of a bitch to worry about and redirect their concern to Fei's giant robot, which, despite how excited crazy old people keep getting around it, it kind of a hunk of crap! Fei will taste sweet, sweet freedom from the D Block arc if he can beat Rico, but Rico gets all the best giant robot parts around here, which makes victory a dubious prospect. Hammer thinks they need to get a mechanic on Weltall, stat, but Fei doesn't trust these prison mechanics. He's heard things.

I'm going to have Doc work on it. He seems to mysterioulsy know what he is doing!

Yeah, Bro, okay. It's nice of your collar to not have blown up randomly yet.

Yeah, I don't know whatever happened with that.

Don't worry about it, Fei, that event was random anyway. At some point in all this Fei goes and fights another endless list of losers, and Hammer urges Fei to save his game, which he does, obviously perplexed. But now it's barracks time! Barracks time isn't even as good as flashback time, much less cocktail time.

Hammer, Citan, and Fei work on Weltall for hours, but they agree that the parts they are working with are crap. Stupid Rico, getting all the good giant robot parts just because he's really good at stuff, or whatever! Fei appears to consider going and stealing parts, which would be sort of a fun sidequest, but alas, he is interrupted mid-thought.

Ha ha ha! Hello, Fei!

...okay, so where's your bomb collar? Why am I the only one? This is pissing me off.

Still sucking, I see!

Look, I'm a little busy right now!

Oh, well, I just dropped by to tell you that it doesn't matter how much bling you put on your giant robot, you can never win against Rico!

What?

Wiseman does a slow fade and disappears!

...hey.

I am over here now!

...Did you bring back giant robot parts from another dimension?

No.

Then go away!

Wiseman does not want to go away! Wiseman wants to fight! Well, if Wiseman wanted to fight Fei, he had his stupid chance back in Aveh! Fei is just not in the mood right now. He has been in like a billion stupid giant robot battles already today.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I am trying to fix a robot! That is very hard to do when you don't know anything about robots!

HADOUKEN

GOD DAMMIT

Wiseman totally wipes the floor with Fei, and to add insult to already pretty insulted injury, he is using Fei's fighting style! In a game like this that is like beating someone up while wearing the same dress they did to the same stupid dinner party.

WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, JERKFACE

Come now, Fei, it's obviously a fish. Anyway, you will note that while you and I are roughly the same in terms of skill, I am bigger than you, so taking me head on with brute strength is stupid. Now, you will also note that Rico's giant robot is much bigger than your giant robot, so better parts are not going to win this fight for you. You have to find a weak point! Or fuck one of the judges, I don't know.

You broke my nose to tell me that?

Well, I have to go now!

YOU ARE GIVING ME SOME EXPOSITION IF I HAVE TO BEAT IT OUT OF YOU.

...ASSUMING DOC HELPS.

Ah, hm.

Oh, sit down, let the concussion settle a little. Fine, I probably have some exposition around here somewhere...

How's this: I'm the one who carried your half-dead body to Lahan three years ago.

Wait, what?

Your father asked me to.

My father?

You mean my dad?

Yes, your dad, please just stop there. Kahn and I were, uh... students... together, yes.

Kahn? My dad's name is Kahn?

What kind of crazy kid doesn't know his own father's name?

One who has been hit on the head a lot, thank you.

Wiseman is brought up to speed on how Fei doesn't remember much of anything beyond how to tie shoelaces and suplex bitches, and he settles in to tell Fei about how he, Wiseman, and Kahn, Fei's father, studied martial arts together. Kahn became an officer for a conveniently unnamed country and then met and fell in love with the most beautiful lady in all the land. She was like a flower in full bloom! Yes, Wiseman, you were a creepy friend to Kahn indeed.

Flower?

He means she was pretty.

Oh, I see.

(actual exchange, more or less.)

After establishing how very very pretty and wonderful Kahn's girlfriend was, Wiseman says that she and Kahn got married, and that he, Wiseman, went on a spirit quest or some shit. Okay.

So that was my mom, right? The flower lady? What happened to her?

Oh, you, uh, don't remember that.

...no?

Well, ah, that is... Kahn said she passed away! Very sad.

Oh.

One day I, ah, received a letter from Kahn, saying that you had been kidnapped! By a man named Grahf!

Whoa. What? Grahf did?

Oh, you've met him?

Like a bunch of times! He kept muttering about wanting to kill God!

Yup, that's him.

Wiseman goes on to explain that he and Kahn teamed up awkwardly through letter-writing to track down Grahf and Fei. One night there was a terrible storm, and Kahn sent word that he'd found his son, so Wiseman rushed to the scene to find Kahn and Fei both terribly injured and Grahf gone. No one knows where Grahf could have went! So Wiseman agreed to take Fei to Lahan while Kahn went to persue Grahf.

Wait, you just left him there?

Ah, yes, yes I did.

Just lying there to bleed, where Grahf could come back at any time and drop a rock on his head.

Pretty much.

You couldn't have maybe brought us both to Lahan?

He said he had to do it for the sake of his son, and for the entire world! And that if he didn't make it, I'd have to take up his work for him. Funny, though, I haven't heard from him in a while.

You don't say.

Well, ha ha, I have to go now! To find Grahf. For your father's sake. And all.

I just want to know one more thing! What country was my father an officer for?

Oh, you know, just... a country.

 

Oh, fine, it was Shevat. Good luck finding that.

Wiseman finally fucks off. Fei is perturbed.

Well, what a mysterious fellow.

I'm pretty sure he's my dad.

Oh, you too?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, remember Bart? Remember when we were hanging out with pirates and engaging in strategic warfare against an occupied state?

Vaguely?

Yeah.

Everyone goes to bed, for tomorrow is the big day! The big day of... more gear battling! Yaaaaay. Only this is at least plot-relevant gear battling, as it is the bout against Rico!

Fei beats Rico with no real noticable change in strategy, so he presumably fucked one of the judges. Whatever, he's the winner! Rico's henchmen try to accuse him of using illegal parts (?!) in his giant robot, but Rico is a big man about it. Fei tries to be humble and blame it all on luck, but Rico doesn't really want to hear it. Fei is now the Battling Champ! Rico does not need henchmen anymore! Scram, all of you! You will just be in his way!

Well, jeez, now I feel bad.

But... does this mean we can leave D Block now?!

Ha ha ha. Oh, Fei, you're just precious sometimes.