XENOGEARS: A ROPE OF ROBOTS
(part twenty-seven)

It is time to fight off the Solarian attack on Shevat! Luckily the entire party has somehow made it up to the top of Babel Tower, along with their giant robots and the Yggdrasil (?!). Did Fei and company carry that up with them? It would explain why they kept falling so much! Despite all this, only one party member can defend a gate generator each.

What?

Union rules.

So, to review: if even one generator fails, the gate will collapse, and Shevat will be open to invasion. We have only one shot at this. Who will go to Generator 1?

Shevat doesn't have any self-defense at all? It's just four of us?

Who will go to Generator 2?

I don't know, I--

Who will go to Generator 3?

Doc, why do you sound so much like a menu prompt?

Who will go to Generator 4?

CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET ON WITH THIS

Our heroes gather 'round the old giant angel statue to defend them some gate generators. The enemies here are just your garden variety giant robots and foot soldiers, nothing special, so our heroes defeat them without much trouble. Poor planning, Solaris! Of course, if Shevat has no defenses whatsoever then Solaris could have just thrown rocks at the generators and probably won. Maybe next time.

Okay, we did it!

Now all we have to worry about is Achtzhen. It's a new model, so we have to be very careful about approaching--

Good news, guys! We found our giant robots! They were in the attic behind the sweaters!

NO, DON'T

Achtzhen totally tears through Shevat's pussy robots! None of this was planned well at all.

Luckily our giant robots are just fine and quite manly!

Well, except Elly's.

Behold my new weapon, the Anti-Gear Psycho Jammer!

It's not... really called that, is it?

Solarian doesn't translate well.

Hey, my giant robot isn't working!

...Neither is mine!

The Anti-Gear Psycho Jammer apparently works by sending a shock through a giant robot's electrical system and shutting it down. But it's okay! It only works long enough for the enemy to kill you! And as it happens Maria's giant robot has, um, an Anti-Anti-Gear Psycho Jammer shield, so her robot still works.

Maria, go kill your father.

What? No!

Well, I guess we're all gonna die, then.

I'll go!

What.

I'll be right back.

Yup, all gonna die.

Oh, everyone, are you ready for this? You are not ready for this. Okay, try to imagine the stupidest thing the game could do right now. Just off the top of your head.

Whooooaaa, no, not that stupid, scale back. Yikes.

What is with the pink thing, Shevat, come on.

I'm Chu-chu! Magical girl churansformation, activate!

Yes, Chu-chu has a magical girl transformation. She does not transform into a magical girl, however. She's transforms into NIGHTMARE FUEL.

She grows something like five stories and proceeds to battle with Achtzhen! But while she may well be thirty feet tall, she is in no sense a giant robot, and Achtzhen is not amused.

Oh god, it's one of those genetically engineered Ewoks Shevat is crawling with. I tried so hard to forget!

Achtzhen kicks Chu-chu's ass. Everyone is happy! Except that this means everyone is still going to die. Well, it's a small price.

Maria!

Midori?

Your father is calling you!

Midori is Citan's daughter. She is telepathic. No, the game isn't going to explain! What do you think this is, a Joan D. Vinge novel?

Not that giant robot, the other one!

Seibzhen?!

Whatever, Maria, pick one and let's go! She runs down to the giant robot dock and gets on Seibzhen's head, where it is of course much safer than in the cockpit with its seatbelts and control panels.

It's a good thing this all takes place way the hell up in the sky, where the thinner oxygen and lack of comm equipment on Seibzhen's head will prevent the audience from having to sit through a boring father-daughter pre-deathmatch chat. Ha ha! That was a joke.

Maria, is that you?

Yes, it's me.

Check out my new bod! I had my brain transplanted into a robot! It's awesome!

That's... that's nice, Dad.

You should try it out!

Yeah... no.

Now, Maria, I know what you're thinking. But humans are stupid, so I'm going to ignore it.

Seibzhen apparently does not think this conversation is going by fast enough and takes a battle stance. Well, no wonder Maria doesn't have to be in the cockpit. Maybe she should have just stayed and had cocoa with the queen and Jesiah and let Seibzhen go take care of this by itself. Achtzhen is alarmed, and they fight for a while!

Maria! I'm going to release your Graviton Cannon from its seal by remote control! Use that to defeat me!

...Wouldn't it be easier and less traumatic to just surrender?

No, you must blast me out of the sky!

But we've got cocoa!

Nikolai gives her some line about how he has wirelessly transferred his soul into Seibzhen or something, but whatever, these two are incredibly boring. Maria whines some more about how she does not want to destroy this horrible giant robot, so Seibzhen shoots it itself. So both robots are Nikolai? Okay, fine.

MOVING ON.

We won! Great job on murdering your father, Maria!

Poor Spock.

Now that our gate is safe, we should attack Solaris and take them down once and for all.

Okay. Where is Solaris and how do we get there?

No idea.

Oh.

But if we take its gates out, then Solaris will become visible to sensors!

That sounds good! Where are its gates?

One is below Ethos Headquarters and is completely inaccessible by any means! We don't know where the other two are.

...This really isn't much of a plan.

In other news, Aveh has invaded Nisan.

WHAT

It would seem that the party got so sidetracked with various family dramas that they completely forgot that they left that plot thread totally hanging! Shakahn is still after the treasure of the Fatima family! Which, Zephyr confims, is Roni's Omnigear. The party can have it if they can beat the bad guys to it, but if Shakahn gets it they are basically screwed.

To hell with the plot, we have to get back to Aveh!

Your ship can fly now, by the way.

...It can?

Yup!

 

SKY PIRATES

Oh, lord.

Meanwhile, one of the three Wiseman of Zeal Shevat has returned! It is Gaspar, and he does not know where Balthazar and Melchior have fucked off to, so don't even ask. What original and creative naming schemes this story has. He and Zephyr and Wiseman excitedly talk about how some Omnigear they have started twitching offscreen when Elly wandered towards it at some point. If Shevat has an Omnigear, then why they hell didn't they use it in that attack?

That Omnigear is Sophia's! It's only supposed to respond to her!

Oh, because it belongs to a dead nun. The giant battle robot. Well, that must make Mass exciting.

Does this mean that Elly is...!

 

Oh, sorry.

It's all right. I am not that man.

This game has not been sufficiently vague or confusing for at least an hour.

Well, I'll just take a look at the party's Limiters. Everyone say 'ahh!'

Gaspar proceeds to perform gene therapy on the party, for... some reason. And then the chu-chus have an orgy. ...the less said about this, the better.

It's true! The Yggdrasil can totally fly now! I hereby christen this ship "The Third!"

...It's the same ship. And that's a stupid name.

Listen, if we overthrow Shakahn then I will be king, and then I can rename everything "The Third" if I feel like it.