XENOGEARS: A ROPE OF ROBOTS (part thirty-seven)

So! This narration kind of went on a two year bender. My integrity as a contributing citizen of the internet is fair to judge. But this project is like ancient now, so it's probably time to resume if I don't want to take another two years to finish. Where were we.

Right, the end of disk 1! This is about the point the game's story goes off the rails, which is as good a reason as any to go a two year bender. Yes! This story has had rails! They are gone now, tumbling down to earth. ...Up to earth. Whatever this planet that is not Earth is. Xenogears is apparently under the impression that it has been WAY too easy to follow thus far, so it has helpfully decided to play this bit out of chronological order.


You're welcome!


That was him!


That was totally him. About time!

The Exectutioner takes off her robe to reveal herself as...

Miang! ...well, who else was going to be, the bunny girl?


This is just like back then, don't you think?


Back... wait, who are we talking about? Him or that man?


...I thought he WAS that man.


Well, technically...


Forget it, I don't care.

Pronouns stopped being funny about thirty game hours ago, but if Xenogears doesn't care neither does this narration. XENOGEARS IS NOW BORED WITH MAKING SENSE. MAKING SENSE IS HARD. WHY MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU CAN BE XENOGEARS.


What about Ramsus?


You want him to bring her back? He left already.


Well, it's a waste of time anyway. But how can you fight without a chance of winning?


I thought that was what you wanted.


What her true intentions are... I don't even know.

WHAT ARE THEY EVEN TALKING ABOUT? KRELIAN AND MIANG SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER. Can you tell it has been a while since I have tried to parse this script? Yes.


Oh, right, Solaris is blowing up.


We should leave, probably.


I guess I'll go save Ramsus.


You just said he left already!


I don't think this part was translated well!


I don't think this part was written well!

Well, as you can probably surmise, something terrible has gone down, but Xenogears doesn't really feel like going into it. We now go live to Maria's giant robot's massive hand for an update on this extremely awkward situation.


Elly, you are awake!


...We're all okay?


Yeah! We were all saved when we were thrown violently up into the sky by a terrible explosion!


...down into the sky.


Wow, that's not how it usually works, is it?


Yeah, no, it's usually up.


...where's Fei?


Do not worry, Elly! Fei is, by the most literal and tortured definition of the word, fine.


...ish.


So he's on board the Yggdrasil, right?


He's on board the Yggdrasil and not in any red giant robots currently in the process of tearing up Solaris?


Man, why are we even bothering to tell this part out of chronological order?


Why, would you look at the time!

FLASHBACK TIME! Yes, it is time to flash way back to the end of part 36, which was one part ago. But also two years ago! The PSN has released Xenogears, that is how long this narration has been fucking off! Did they fix that bug with that boss battle on disk two that crashes the game in emulation? I bet they didn't. ...Anyway, FLASHBACK TIME


I'M REALLY UPSET, THOUGH I DON'T REMEMBER WHY


OH, RIGHT, ELLY'S DAD


I MEAN, I GUESS, I DIDN'T KNOW HIM OR ANYTHING


OH, FUCK IT

END OF FLASHBACK TIME


Fei is Id? Fei can't be Id!


Elly, this story literally makes no sense if Fei isn't Id.


This story doesn't make sense anyway!

So Weltall has turned red and Id has hopped in it and is now destroying Solaris by way of flying in circles around it. Bart and the others manage to get from Maria's giant robot's hand into the Yggdrasil, somehow, and Citan announces that Solaris's destruction and fall from the upper atmosphere is potentially the equivalent of an atom bomb.

It certainly is a shame that no one took this into consideration sooner, seeing as the objective here pretty much was to destroy Solaris.


GO FASTER, SHIP

The Yggdrasil's engines are not powered by verbal abuse, but they manage to clear the explosion anyway. Phew! Our heroes have totally escaped all of the danger!


So why is the ship shaking now?

Oh, that's a good point, actually. Fei doesn't really count as one of our heroes at the moment.


It's that red giant robot! It's in pursuit of the ship!

For some reason, the only time in the entire game in which it would be totally appropriate for Bart to shoot at Fei, he freezes up.


What do I do? Doc, tell me what to do!


...You are asking me?


You're the asshole who knows everything about everybody! What do I do when the main character puts on a catsuit and turns into one of the main villains?


What do I look like, a doctor?


Wait, someone has gone outside in their giant robot! Maybe we're saved!


Crap, no, it's Elly.


What?!


Elly, No!


Let me do this! Fei was willing to put his life on the line for me, so I'm going to do the same for him! I'm going to save Fei!


Well, I am Fei, so good luck with that.


Fei minus everything that makes him even vaguely likable as a character, anyway.


Like his hair tie. And his ability to match foundation to skin tone!


I'm killing you now.


If that's what you want, sure!


...Well, okay, then.

Id's giant robot punches Elly's giant robot right in the giant robot junk! And immediately encounters a problem.


...make your giant robot's junk let go of me!


NOPE

Screencaps really can't convey how hilariously unintentionally dirty this scene looks with Id trying to yank his giant robot's hand out of Elly's giant robot and failing. He is just totally giving her a giant robot handjob against his will. This just got weird, you guys.


I'll never let you go! Give me back the real Fei!


Give me back my hand! This is assault!


Oh, you haven't SEEN assault yet.

Elly punches Id in the balls! Well, her giant robot punches his giant robot in the balls.

Yes, see, mutual junk-punching is the sort of thing that should make your giant robot short circuit. They, uhh, do that for a while, but Id wins, and Elly's giant robot falls down.


Ugh, stupid girls!


...Elly?


Oh, son of a bitch.

Your alternate self waking up should not make your giant robot short circuit, though. This narration is standing by that. And on that ridiculous note, you can all stop sending me angry emails. For now.

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