XENOGEARS: A ROPE OF ROBOTS
(part five)

Meanwhile, in Bledavik! The ship we saw passing over the forest earlier is now docking in Aveh's royal city, as part of a crazy high-tech military complex we can safely assume was not part of the original design. It's the commander of Gebler, Ramsus, and he is pissed!

Puppethead Prime Minister Shakahn and Idiot General Vanderkaum are here to see you, sir.

Dammit, Miang, I told you to hold my calls!

They disembark and are greeted by said puppethead and idiot. Shakahn tries to get all foot-kissy with them but Ramsus ignores him and goes straight to berating Vanderkaum. Awkward!

How did you lose that battle with Kislev? You outnumbered them!

Yeah, but none their men would stand still in front of the cannon! I can't work under these conditions!

Ramsus dismisses him after not very subtly suggesting that Vanderkaum's cannon is perhaps symbolic of something. Perhaps. Shakahn then informs Ramsus that tomorrow is Aveh's 500th anniversary as a country, and they were planning on celebrating as a terrible mockery to this proud occupied state. Ramsus doesn't care.

How are things going with the Holy Mother?

She hasn't submitted yet to questioning about the other half of Fatima Jasper. I'm telling you, she's a professional.

Well, we'll see about that!

He asks to be taken to her so he can question her himself. The Holy Mother turns out to be a teenage girl in an extremely wacky hat.

Lady Marguerite, it's good to meet you. I'm Commander Ramsus

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I just wanted to ask you a few questions

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We need to know where the other half of the

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THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS

Damn, she's good.

Margie is stone-cold, suckas! He ain't getting nothing out of her. Meanwhile Shakahn is fretting because he doesn't know how Gebler found out about the Fatima Jasper. There seem to be multiple levels of occupation and back-stabbing going on here. It won't be signifigant for another thirty hours or so, though, so let's just move on.

Fei, Citan, and Bart have gotten into Bledavik! That was easy! No one is on the look-out for tricked out sand cruisers, apparently. They are accosted immediately and told to get a room, even though nobody was making out or anything. They go along with it, though, and while checking into a hotel they are recognised by a nun from Nisan! She is very happy to see Prince Bartholomew!

Yes, please, say that a little louder, I don't think all of Shakahn's guards heard you!

Like he's making any effort to be undercover. Three men and a nun go and get a room, but no sexy antics ensue. The nun tells them that she has been in Bledavik ever since the Holy Mother was taken, sucking up to guards and whatnot to try to get information, but all she has learned is that Marguerite is in the castle, which our heroes probably could have figured out themselves. That's okay, though!

We're gonna hit the streets for info!

Bart thinks he's on The Wire. It's a good thing he isn't! There are all sorts of Millennial Fair things going on, like fire breathers and beer tents and balloon minigames. Citan has to go and be the grownup and tells Fei and Bart they have to keep their minds on the mission. Boo! There is word of a fighting tournament going around, and Citan has a brilliant idea.

We will enter Fei in the tournament and he will distract the guards long enough for Bart to get into the castle!

Fight in a tournament? Do I have to use my robot?

No.

I'll do it!

Because fighting in a tournament with giant robots could never possibly be interesting to anyone, right? Ha ha. Fei registers for the tournament, and then they look for a way for Bart to sneak in. There is a grate to an underground waterway in town that supplies water to the castle, but they have to chase down some little kid to find the key for it. Luckily they are not arrested. Plan complete! They go back and get some sleep.

Somebody is sleeping on the floor, though.

The party splits up, and Bart goes diving into the city's water supply as Fei goes and enters the tornament. Piece of cake, eh, Fei? Let's go meet the other competitors!

HELLO FEI

Oh, God, no.

YOU KILLED MY SISTER AND HER BOOBS!

I killed everyone in Lahan except Alice's extremely creepy brother?

I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

I know a cruel cosmic joke when I see one!

Well, that is something we have in common.

...Okay, does anyone ever wear a mask that makes any kind of visual sense?

No. Anyway, looking forward to seeing you pound on a helpless grieving child, Fei!

Fei is puzzled because he didn't use his real name to enter the tournament, but he really ought to be used to masked men inexplicaby knowing who he is by now. Don't worry about it, Fei, it's probably not ominous. Meanwhile, Bart is in fact going through with this plan to swim into the castle, which is a strategy the nun is skeptical about.

Geez, lady, I've only lived in the desert my entire life, I think I know how to swim!

The tournament is starting! Shakahn gives a moving, inspirational speech. Allow me to summarize:

ACT HAPPY IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

Ramsus and Miang wander onto the balcony with him, apparently lost, and Shakahn invites them to watch the tournament with him.

I'm afraid I do not have time for such gay revelry.

What have you got against gay revelry?

I'm just... not that into gay revelry.

I love gay revelry! Especially when it involves caged deathmatches.

Miang sticks around to watch, and Ramsus wanders off muttering. Get used to that. The first match is... Fei, versus some guy!

My, what a plot-relevent young man!

Meanwhile, Bart's a'swimmin'.

Yup.

Fei continues against some guy, and another guy, and Big Joe, whom I haven't been mentioning thus far because you can't really improve on Big Joe. Then he gets to the semi-finals, where he faces off against Dan, Alice's creepy brother. How did Dan reach the semi-finals, you ask? I am thinking we do not really want to know!

THIS IS FOR TIMOTHY! AND THIS IS FOR MY SISTER! AND THIS IS FOR MY SISTER'S BOOBS!

Man, mention your sister's boobs approvingly once and smartass recappers never forget it. Fei cannot actually bring himself to pound on a grieving child, and eventually Dan gets tired and goes home. But not before flinging his sister's wedding dress at Fei. Dan, what are you trying to say, that the ponytail makes Fei look femmy? Screw you, Dan.

And now, the final match!

Oh, Christ, this game is ridiculous. Fei pounds on the dude with the fish mask, whose name is Wiseman, sure, okay, but none of his hits connect! And Wiseman won't fight back! Wiseman apparently wandered into this tournament looking for the bathroom and does not know where he is. And even though this is not Eva, he starts asking Fei what his reason for fighting is.

...Winning?

Ha ha, wrong answer, Fei!

DUN DUN DUN!

I wasn't really expecting a pop quiz here.

...Fei!

DUN DUN DUN DUN!

What, are you my dad? You're my dad, aren't you.

Gotta go!

Wiseman fucks off. Fei is the winner! Hopefully Bart has ninjaed his way into the castle by now.

He has! Good show, Bart! He gets yelled at by an old man, who is sick of all these kids ninjaing their way into the castle all the time. That's a security hazard! The prince used to do it all the time! Good thing he's dead.

They still haven't fired you?

Bart is a terrible ninja. The old man recognizes him! But he can't believe it, because he doesn't know of the king having any secret sons.

Well, he wouldn't be very secret if some old guy in the sewer knew about him, would he? Stop getting your foreshadowing all over me, I gotta save my cousin.

Bart continues to be a terrible ninja and kicks ass through out the castle until he finds the room Margie is in.

Margie!

Bart!

Come on, we're going home!

Thank God! Oh, I wait, I need to bring this with me.

...Why?

Look, I've been in the shit, okay?

Bart and Margie leave the room and comically collide with Ramsus on his way in. Oh, right, we're occupied.

Dear Lord, I hate this place.

Hand the girl over, Prince Bartholomew.

You recognized me? How? I'm so indinstinctive.

Well, at least one of you is hot.

Ha ha, oh, Bart, don't hit on Miang. They fight! Bart has a hard time, as Ramsus has a sword and a girl healing him, while Bart has Margie, who summons rats. Was that a pun in Japanese or something? Popes and rats? Nevermind, this narration doesn't want to know. Just in the nick of time, he is saved, by... Fei! Who... jumped into the waterway and swam after him? Wow, they really need to fire that guy.

God, Bart, you suck at this.

That is easy for Fei to say, because his presence for some reason triggers bizarre flashbacks in Ramsus. That's right, another person mysteriously knows Fei! Fei is no longer impressed by this party trick.

He looks different, and acts different, and sounds different, and is in fact different in every conceivable way! It must be the same guy!

He starts twitching, and the party escapes to a nearby elevator.

Your castle has elevators?

Hm. No, pretty sure this wasn't here before.

Crap.