(part ten)

Having somehow bumbled his way into prison, Fei is now determined to bumble his way back out! The giant mouse he has resigned himself into just accepting is his new friend thinks this is a bad idea, however, on account of the bomb collars. They are not just for show, apparently! Fei was hoping they just sprayed purple ink on you if you attempted to walk past the front door with them, but no, they explode and kill you.

Well, that is a terrible user policy! I will just take those off of you.

I don't think you should do that.

Don't worry! Citan's a great tinkerer!

Kind of a lousy doctor, though. You do know what to do if my head blows up, right?


So, let me give this a try! But only if you are sure. Are you sure, Fei? Maybe you should think about it first. I know I can do this! But only if you are sure.

I, uh...

You should sign this form first.

...no, that's okay.

Are you sure?


Citan fiddles with the bomb collar, muttering to himself in a not entirely reassuring manner, and manages to pry a bit of it loose! Progress!

That's the safety device.

What part of a bomb collar constitutes anything that can be called a safety device?

The part that prevents it from exploding for no reason.



You're a terrible doctor AND a terrible tinkerer! Is being conspicuoulsy mysterious the only thing you're actually good at?

Because you're pretty good there, I will give you that.

Hey, kid, I kick ass in battle and you know it!

That's true, Doc, but this recap has not much been mentioning on-foot battles, so Fei's point unfortunately stands. It is only now that Hammer reveals there is a legitimate way of getting the collars off: a special pardon!

Well, that sounds good! How do I get one of those?


Okay, Doc, just poke it until it explodes, it's cool.

No, this sounds like an excellent idea!

Oh, no, it's totally hopeless! In order to win you'll have to beat the reigning champion. Rico has won the games three years running!

Wait, you mean that guy who beat me up in an alley? He hasn't been pardoned at all! He still has a bomb collar and everything!


No, no, he has, he just didn't want it! Returning to the outside is hard when all you're good at is beating people up in alleys and giant robots.

Oh, whatever, I'll do it.

Hammer has his doubts, but Fei can already tell that he dislikes D Block even more than he dislikes giant robots. Hammer runs off to get him registered, as he is apparently also a bookie. So, to review: bomb collars, bars, and tournaments involving prisoners battling each other in giant robots for which the most ruthlessly violent and bloodthirsty is given a full pardon. This prison is extremely generic.

Are you sure about this, Fei? I do not want to push you into doing anything you do not want to do!

Pushing me into things I don't want to do is your favorite thing.

It is time for your nap, Fei.

I don't wanna!

Enough with crazies and furries! It is time to go check in on some normal people.

Normal is an extremely flexible term.

Ha ha, no, this narration is just joshing with you, because it doesn't want to summarize this dialogue yet. This set of digital disembodied heads are the Gazel, and their job is to periodically outright state what the next five hours or so of plot will be, but do it so vaguely and with so many unattributed pronouns that it doesn't actually give away or even explain anything. If this sounds kind of pointless and annoying to you, you were not a staff writer for Square in 1998.

If only 'he' did not exist, the Lambs would not have been turned into the 'Animus'. It has been 500 years since our fall in the 'Days of Destruction' that 'he' caused... We would not have to do this in such a troublesome manner as we do now.

God, its like someone fed Revelation and a Psych 201 book to MegaHAL. Let's just summarize: someone they call the untouchable one -- poor bastard -- who apparently did something unpleasant to somebody and turned them into something five hundred years ago, as mentioned above, is in Kislev! They know this because they have been peeking at your memory card saves. No, really, that's what it says. Anyway, they want to destroy him, so they are going to use a fleet currently parked in Bledavik to blow up an old reactor in Nortune. It is, it would seem, the only way to be sure.

Meanwhile, Hammer has signed Fei up for battling, and he lets Fei know where the arena is. He should check it out! Citan says they should act alone, as prison is perhaps easier to deal with that way, and then immediately joins Fei's party. Your opinion, Fei?

...? Well... whatever!

That is correct. Fei goes ahead and checks out this battling arena.

He's met by Rue, the woman from the battling committee who tried to get him to sign up before. She is somewhat incredulous that he has completely changed his mind overnight. Okay, Fei, be cool about this!

Living the rest of my life with sewer monsters is not that bad... it's just, well ...there are many factors. Then there's this collar! It gets in the way so much!

Well played, Fei, well pl-- what a second, what?

What what?

Sewer monsters?

I didn't... I didn't say anything about sewer monsters.

You did! Right there! That line was copied and pasted from the script! I would never be so wanton with my elipses.

I am sure I have no idea what you are talking about, narration.

Well, hopefully that was just extremely random and not potentially incriminating. Rue is amused that Fei thinks he can just stroll into this joint and win himself a pardon, but Fei's been getting by just fine with the strolling into joints strategy so far and sees no reason to abandon it. Rue expects him to fight today, though, like right this minute, which catches Fei a bit off-guard. She hurries him over to the paddocks to meet his new giant robot.

Aw man, a new giant robot? I just got used to my old giant robot.

That... is my old giant robot.


Well, you will not have to adjust the seat!

That's true.

It is time for Fei's first battle! It's against one of the toughs that Fei fought before. ...Has it been mentioned yet that everyone in D Block is wearing fetish gear? Everyone in D Block is wearing fetish gear. Because it is prison! Prison is the best place to wear a gimp suit. ...Anyway.

Battling is horrible and boring and you have to do it for approximately three million years. You know what is better than gear battling? Blitzball. Playing Blitzball for eight hours to get Wakka's ultimate weapon is more fun than gear battling. Gear battling is more fun than chocobo racing, though. Marginally. In any case, gear battling takes you out of the standard 'everyone stands in a line and takes turns' method of RPG fighting and instead drops you in the world's most inept fighting game. Cheese your way to the top, Fei!

I can't! My opponent sabotaged my giant robot!

Fei's giant robot has broken down again! This is the third time and nobody has fixed it yet! You should stop driving that robot, Fei. Maybe trade it in for a Saturn. Fei is hurt in the accident and sent back to the infirmary, where he lies in bed making goofy 'I am having a nightmare' noises.

Elsewhere in D Block, if by elsewhere you mean "the sewers, for some god forsaken reason" the guy Fei fought talks really loudly about how he cheated and screwed Fei over, where anyone hanging out in the sewers could hear him!

Even though nobody in this prison hangs out around sewer monsters habitually, Scott there is uneasy and feels like he's being followed. No sooner does he express this fear that something leaps out of the water and kills him!


Fei wakes up the next morning, complaining about his goofy nightmares. NO MATTER, THOUGH, BACK TO GEAR BATTLING. Gee, Fei, your competitor from yesterday had to drop out, so you win your first bout by default!


Yes, this is certainly what everyone bought Xenogears for, this action right here.