XENOGEARS: A ROPE OF ROBOTS
(part seventeen)

Fei and Elly are not sure what to make of these weirdos who have rescued them, but the scales tip in the weirdos' favor as they are quickly escorted to a beer hall. The captain explains that they are salvagers, and right now they are working on a major job with the Ethos here in Aquvy. Fei is not really thrilled to hear about the Ethos, but it turns out that these islands are where the Ethos headquarters are, so he better get used to it. Hoo boy. We now embark as what is popularly known as the Portion of the Game That Is Really Offensive to Catholics.

But first! Meanwhile! Underwater, in an exceptionally ridiculous giant robot!

The sonar has picked up a signal matching that of the pirate ship Yggdrasil!

I thought the Yggdrasil was sunk in battle.

There is no record of it sinking. We were paying too much attention to the asshole in the red giant robot to notice.

Okay, wait, hold up. Was the Yggdrasil sunk or not? Is the current Yggdrasil an eerie down-to-the-bolts-in-the-floor identical copy of the last Yggdrasil, or did they in fact just patch up the old one and shove it into the ocean? These scenarios are pretty equally unlikely. You live to confuse, Xenogears. The thing the game actually wants you to blink at in confusion at is the next bit, where they confirm that the Yggdrasil was the carrier for the asshole in the red giant robot, because that is a totally shocking revelation that no one already figured out many hours ago.

Well, let's sink that bitch!

Our orders are to investigate the Kislev ship that crashed! We don't have enough fuel to engage the Yggdrasil in battle!

WHATEVER, IT IS REVENGE TIME

They have only just been introduced, but you are going to get tired of these young women very quickly. Back on the Thames, Elly is expressing disgust at how much Fei is managing to eat. She did not puke her guts out trying to eat a raw guppy.

Say, is the ship supposed to shake like this?

Yes! I mean no! ...I'm drunk!

There is a battle going on nearby! Everyone heads to the bridge, where the captain argues with his men whether or not they should fire the big gun, and then whether or not they actually have a big gun. They are, as previously stated, all drunk.

I don't know, I could get used to this. They're about as well-organized as Gebler ever is.

That ship! That's the Yggdrasil!

Bart's ship? I thought you said the pirates were all dead.

Yaay, I was wrong!

Fei wants to leap into the ocean and join the battle! Elly points out that that would be both comical and fatal without their giant robots. Fei reluctantly agrees. The captain drunk-dials engineering and tells them that they have to fix Fei and Elly's giant robots in two minutes! Maybe waterproof them while they're at it! ...Nah!

So Fei and Elly jump into the ocean with their maybe not actually fixed and definitely not waterproofed giant robots. This going to be GREAT, you guys!

They meet up with Citan and Rico on top of the Yggdrasil. Citan is happy for the third or fourth time so far that Fei is not dead.

You two are all right!

Yeah, somehow.

This is no time for tearful reunions, you guys, we are in giant robots!

Also I guess we are fighting somebody.

...where's Bart?

Bart is underwater! He is holding off the enemy until the Yggdrasil can prep its depth charges, but he also left without waterproofing his giant robot, so he's having a hard time. Well, surely three nonwaterproofed giant robots are better than one! In Fei and Elly go.

Fei! You're alive!

Bart! You're alive!

Elhaym! Why are you alive.

Aw, man.

Why are you, one of the -Abel-, that is to say the Shepherds, helping out the -Lambs-?

There is no difference between the -Abel-, that is to say the Shepherds, and the -Lambs-! Except that we are smarter and prettier and smell better! And we like random punctuation!

The use of random punctuation is the mark of a superior race!

Or an awkward translation.

Or... that, yes.

Dominia talks smack about how Elly is part Lamb herself, which is... biologically unlikely, and says that it is typical of her to throw everything away over a man. That fancy military academy didn't have an MRS program, Elly! She needs to get with the Hitler Youth program here! She refuses, and they fight.

Eventually Sigurd gets his shit together and fires off those depth charges. It's a direct hit! Dominia insists that it's but a flesh wound, she still has her arm, etc etc, but the other young lady, Kelvena, insists that they have to pull out. Oh, fine! But before they do, they ram Elly's giant robot a couple of times and then KIDNAP HER!

HEY!

That's our stupid girl!

Not any more, she isn't! Our heroes surface, and Bart is already talking about how Elly probably got herself kidnapped on purpose, because she is the enemy and all. Too soon, Bart! The Yggdrasil docks with Thames to get some repairs underway.

All right, all right, I'm sorry I said your stupid girlfriend is a stupid spy.

It's just that your stupid girlfriend probably is a stupid spy.

I'm really happy to see you, aside from the fact that you are talking.

What was that? How did I survive such a terrible ordeal? It's an interesting story! First, we were attacked by a mysterious red giant robot!

A red giant robot, you say.

Yeah! And the Yggdrasil sank! But we ended up in this big hollow space under the desert! And there was a ship that was exactly like the Yggdrasil in every possible way there, only it worked in the water! So we took it! And now we are OCEAN PIRATES.

...Are you drunk?

Only a little!

I am pretty sure the new Yggdrasil is from Shevat.

Shevat!

Hold on, Fei, it is still not time to talk about Shevat! But at least we answered that pressing question about the Yggdrasil. It is all much clearer now: the game is not even trying to make sense. They talk for a while about how they totally effed up that attack on Gebler, and Nisan is totally in danger now, but bygones are bygones! Everyone who has a character portrait is safe, and that is all that matters. Well, except for Elly! She will probably come back when she's hungry. Probably.

They head to the Thames' bridge so the shady captains can introduce themselves. But then Margie barges in and totally emasculates Bart. Ha ha, it's funny because she's a girl.

You are such a jerk, Bart! You are always leaving me behind, and shooting at ships Fei is on!

Oh, did Bart leave that part out of his story? It would seem that he did.

you what

Fei, I know you will understand when I say this, because you are a man, as I am a man.

It was TOTALLY AWESOME.

You know what else is totally awesome, Bart?

What??

MY INSTEP

ACK

The captain of the Thames likes this Bart fellow! He is still drunk. He drags Bart off to the beer hall so they may be fearsome drunk captains together, leaving Fei behind to fume. But Fei confesses to Margie that he isn't really that mad at Bart -- it's like being mad at a puppy, honestly -- so much as he is very worried about Elly. She doesn't really seem to get hungry! Maybe she won't come back!

His concern is warranted, because back on the Gebler ship Dominia is totally beating the crap out of Elly.

I didn't do anything wrong!

Yes, aside from ignoring your orders and deserting your country you did nothing wrong at all!

Dominia has a point, really, literally and figuratively, but it would seem that this sort of behavior is not tolerated in Gebler. Miang comes in and breaks up the fight. People are getting emasculated all over the place today! Ha ha, it's funny because they are all girls.

We are all innocent until proven guilty on this ship, missy! Put away that sword, you are grounded.

...on whose authority? Aren't you, like, Ramsus's secretary or something?

On the authority of my PULSING LASER EYES

Oh goodness! It would seem that Miang is a distant and much prettier relative of Hypnotoad. She probably did not mention that on her application to Gebler, it's just an unexpected bonus. She leads Elly off to a conference room while Dominia stands there twitching.

Everything is going to be fine! You just need to rest.

Thank you.

Goodness, you have such beautiful eyes!

What?

BWANGWONGWANGWONG

Is that the Hypnotoad noise or porno music? This narration is bad at sound effects.