XENOGEARS: A ROPE OF ROBOTS
(part thirty)

So our heroes have reclaimed the kingdom of Aveh, to no effect to the party whatsoever! Maybe they'll get discounts in the item store, like Edgar. In relevant news, they've taken out one of Solaris's gates, and when they take out all three they can find Solaris! Just cruising around in their flying pirate ship until they ram it will not suffice, it ain't no Bahamut. ...Maybe this narration ought to be playing something else.

So where do we look next?

Well, Queen Zephyr said that one of them was beneath Ethos Headquarters. And since all the priests have been MURDERED, no one is going to stop us if we try to dig it up!

Oh, he's twitching again.

We can't just dig it up, it would take years.

Didn't Shevat have some kind of cannon? ...I don't remember that, but the script says Shevat has some kind of cannon.

Oh, yeah, like we've never tried taking potshots at Ethos Headquarters with our imaginary cannon before.

So it has to be more powerful than an imaginary cannon...

...and we don't have a Gebler ship at our disposal...

Gebler's battleships and imaginary cannons are the most powerful weapons ever produced by man!

Wait... I feel like I'm forgetting about something...

It was something Fei yelled at me for...

That doesn't really narrow it down.

Recently...

Neither does that.

Wait! I remember! Fort Jaspar!

Yes, the flying fortress with its own super laser beam that our heroes forgot about pretty much immediately! Good call, Bart!

Well, Fort Jaspar's cannon could probably do it, but would have to be a direct hit. The angles are a little... impossible.

So, what, we hitch the Fort to the Yggdrasil and fly it up to the top of Babel Tower?

No.

Though Babel Tower does over look Ethos Headquarters...

Stop twitching, Billy, this is a very serious meeting!

Wait! I have solved this puzzle!

Puzzle?

Yes! Babel Tower and Fort Jaspar must have been built by the same civilization! Look at how much their technology resembles each other!

Well, that's not a puzzle so much as trivia.

Do you recall the mirror set on the outer side of the tower?

...You mean when Ramsus was shooting at us?

Yes!

Sort of. I was distracted because Ramsus was shooting at us.

Whoever built that mirror into the tower knew about Fort Jaspar. It must have been intended to reflect a hit from that cannon! They are essentially a single weapon!

That does not even make sense.

Forget that, this is Xenogears. Here is what we need to do.

Citan lays out a plan that splits the party into two groups: Team Mirror and Team Gun. Citan volunteers to be on Team Mirror, as that will require a perfectly ordinary country doctor to make the precise adjustments on the mirror's angle. Fei decides to go with him, because Fei is afraid of everyone else at this point, presumably. Elly says that just Doc and Fei sounds lonely and she will go with them, and they accept awkwardly as they don't know which one of them has just been dissed.

Billy will be on Team Gun, as he is the only member of the party who knows how to fire a gun.

Hey, I fire guns ALL THE TIME

Pardon, the only member of the party who knows how to fire a gun in a professional manner.

I never miss!

If he's firing the gun then I don't want to be on Team Mirror anymore.

I'm firing the gun! ...But Bart can come along if he wants to.

...okay.

Me chu!

WHAT, NO

Sorry, Bart, that is all the time we have for endless strategy discussion today. It is time to execute this impossibly goofy plan.

MEANWHILE.

Useless... as always...

A failure to begin with...

'Trash'...

Hey! Which one of you said that?!

Oh, ah, it was not me.

Somebody is throwing stuff.

Ramsus flips out a little bit, and Miang palms him some valium. The Gazel tell Ramsus that the party has already destroyed one gate, and it's up to him to stop them from destroying the other two! Come on, you managed to graduate, you must be good at something! They then put themselves into stand-by mode so they don't have to listen to him whine anymore.

this time I am getting him MYSELF

Commander, you can't drive a giant robot while you're palpitating.

Commander, request permission for screen time?

Did you think we had seen the last of these four fine young women? Well, good luck with thinking that ever.

Oh, right, you guys.

We will take care of the gate.

To make our ideals a reality.

And to unite all people within our nation!

No.

So, on with this plan. The party's two teams split up to go to their designated spots, which is really around the point they should have noticed the biggest problem with Citan's idea.

That is the entire planet, mind you. There is a flying ship now, and the map wraps around like an unholy mobius strip when the ship merrily flies past the edges. So unless Billy is planning on shooting through the core of the planet, which is not advisable, this laser beam has to go around basically the entire world to hit this mirror. There is an ocean in the way! And that sea-dong! Billy has to shoot through the sea-dong.

So! Science: not Xenogears' strong suit. Maturity: not this narration's. Onward.

We are in position! Billy, commence firing! Fei and Elly, you two go outside and fight any bosses that might be lurking around.

Come on, this is only a major plot turning point. What are the chances of having to fight any bosses now?

Oh. Hi!

We know all about your stupid plan, and we are here to stop you!

...Wasn't that dolphin robot pink before?

It's a new dolphin robot! This one designed to travel on land! Intuitive. They fight long enough for Fei and Elly to keep them at bay while Billy prepares that shot. So let's see how they are doing!

Still preparing to launch!

You know, I fired that thing just by hitting some buttons, it didn't take me ten minutes.

Ah, but this crack team has company as well.

A pterodactyl and a kitty! Solaris is apparently completely out of normal giant robots. They are now resorting to Beast Wars action figures.

Recurring comic villains off the bow!

So you're seriously doing this? Do you have like four other mirrors in orbit to bounce this laser off of? I don't get it.

MISTRANSLATED PUN ABOUT PULL-UPS

...yes.

So they are a problem as well. Bart and Chu-chu go out to fight them. RICO APPARENTLY COULD NOT BE BOTHERED, OR SOMETHING, SO CHU-CHU IS ALL THEY GOT. This is all very well and good, but the only people apparently necessary to this plan are Citan and Billy, and neither of them are fighting anyone! So what is the hold up?

Billy! Shoot!

OH, FINE

Billy lines up the shot! He fires! Can he do it?

No.

...Perhaps I did not adjust the mirror enough.

What does this mean for everyone else?

I guess we means we have to fight again!

Wait, what?

Little known sub-clause in the recurring boss handbook that Xenogears just made up: if the fight in question is a distraction from an asinine plan, which the good guys then fuck up, you are entitled to a second fight! Thus, Fei and Elly have to fight Dominia and Kelvena again, and Bart and Chu-chu have to fight Tolone and Seraphita again. Because if there is anything that Xenogears needs, it's padding!

Fuuuuuuuuuuckkk

Billy! Calm down! It's okay!

I still love you

 

Brilliant! Put him into his native environment of unwanted sexual advances, and he should relax and be able to pull off the shot!

I'm not comfortable.

Neither is anyone reading this, it's okay.