(part thirty-five)

So everything has gone dark and Citan and Elly have inexplicably vanished! What is the smart thing to do here, Fei?

Stop, drop, and roll?

Stay put until I'm found by an adult?

Screw it, I'm going to go open some random doors.

Oh shit, it's that room from the end of the second Matrix movie!

And the cable's out! Nooooooooooooo

Fei passes out, as you presumably would when faced with such a situation. Why, just the other day this narration passed out when the radiator came on! Never underestimate the power of things... turning themselves on. It's not natural.

Fei wakes up in a crazy bondage suspension harness. If he had any sense he would go ahead and pass out again. If he had any sense, though, he would not be Fei, and he would probably not be in a crazy bondage suspension harness. A bunch of flatscreen monitors pop up and start showing him images of Weltall and Id's giant robot. Oh goodness, what could the game possibly be trying to tell us.



Oh, God's beloved child!

Burn with God's fire!



...it's stuck on VH1.

But suddenly!

It's Citan! And... a porno with Billy? Let's just focus on Citan.

Doc! Why are you on TV?

Fei, this is difficult to explain.

He's a spy.


All right, I suppose it is not that difficult.

A spy? For Solaris?

I have been watching over you for three years. I had to determine whether or not you were going to be an enemy.


...No, I said "an enemy."




What are you talking about?

What are YOU talking about?!

Yes, an enemy! We were planning on the maturation of the 'Animus', and your termination. Even so, we now possess 'Animus.' You must know by now that we plan to resurrect god. God will awaken from his long slumber after man has populated the land. Then, Mahanon too will awaken. Using that knowledge, we will resurrect the awakened god and build our 'ark' to take us both into the great universe. The creation of the angel 'Malakh'. The M Project was for that very purpose. We humans were not born on this planet. Long ago, we came here from another heavenly body. We are beings from an alien planet. We will be one with god. Attaining a new 'Animus'... We will once again return to the starry skies. What meaning is there in having control of a planet as insignificant as this? God has given us the right to rule over the universe.

So, we will resurrect god.


Look, long story short: I am a spy, and if you did not know that then you are kind of thick.

Krelian then comes on screen, muttering something about an awakening, and Fei sees Elly in an MRI machine! Oh no! Probably! The action switches over to the lab, where Krelian is sitting around reading Elly's medical records. The perks of being a shadow ruler seem kind of tame.

Oh man, I haven't woken up in an iron lung since sophomore year.

Commander! What's going on?

Oh, I was just reading about how you killed a bunch of people after you were administered flip-out drugs. But this report is incorrect! This wasn't the usual uncontrollable mental side effects.

I don't think I want to continue this conversation without an attorney.

This was caused by...

The 'awakening of your other inner self'.

...Is that the medical term?

And not that the phrase "awakening of your other inner self" reminds me of Fei or anything, but where is Fei? And those other guys?

Eh, the Gazel want to kill them and use their bodies for their own earthly resurrection or something, and, uh, I was just going to leave that nanomachine colony out with the recycling. I've got what I need.

If it's a sloppy joe, I'm going to be sick.

Oh, you've seen the cafeteria? No, no, I work up here. With NANOMACHINES.

Krelian launches into a long speech about the wonders of nanotechnology, but whatever you know what nanomachines are. Krelian apparently uses nanomachines to break down and examine DNA, and the sample from Emeralda has greatly advanced his research of introns. WACKY SCIENCE ALERT.

Your genetic exon is... a mobius strip! That makes you...let's see...

The mother of all humanity.

That is not how genetics works.

And that is not how subject-verb agreement works, but we can't all be right. Meanwhile!

Oh man, I haven't woken up in a crazy bondage suspension harness since freshman year.

Well, except for that one time fifteen minutes ago.

Wake up, Fei, it is interrogation time.

Doc! But you! We! This isn't! But--

So the battle has been fought... you say?





Dammit! I never should have killed all those wolves! They're probably endangered or something!

...Look, would you inexplicably pass out already?

Oh, come on, why would I inexplicably-- gnk!

It would not be inexplicable if you knew why you were doing it, now would it... ID?


In Citan's defense, inexplicably passing out is like the only thing Fei can be counted on to do. Back in the lab, Krelian leaves the room, and Ramsus comes in so soon afterward that one has to assume he has been hiding around a corner all this time, which is pretty much in line with his current state of mind.


Hello, Commander.


I don't know who you're talking about, but I can tell you're pretty cold at the moment.


I'm looking for Fei.

He's... not here.

HE ALSO ISN'T BETTER THAN ME, as long as we are on the subject.

Ramsus pops some valium, but there is a point with benzodiazepines where you have to lay off or they stop working. He rants and raves some more about, well, Fei, and how he will "show him." What he intends to show him is left largely to speculation as he goes running his crazy self off again.

I need an adult.

Speaking of crazy people and also of needing an adult!

Wake up, Fei!

...oh my god, that was the worst dream I have ever had. Doc, you were there, and Billy, you were in a porno--

That is less funny every time, you guys.

And... wait a second, it wasn't a dream!

Fei does the only logical thing left to him and lunges at Doc's throat. Bart tries to talk him off, and then Billy joins in, and as the word of a pirate and the word of a Catholic priest combined are worth nearly the word of a normal and trustworthy person, Fei backs off. But he's not happy about it!

Listen, Citan double-crossed Krelian and the Gazel so he could get us into these labs and subject us unwillingly to brain surgery!

...okay, actually it still sounds bad when I say it out loud. But we've all had our Limiters removed! That's good!




Doc? Is that true?

...More or less. I was also going to try to overthrow the government if we had time.

Among other things.

Other things?

We have to go now.

Yay, my whole world has not been turned upside-down and destroyed by terrible revelations! High-fives, everyone!

Doc, you removed Fei's Limiter, too, right?

...We have to go now.

Fei asks where Elly is, and Citan explains that Krelian took Elly to his lab. Fei wants to know why he just wanted her, and Citan says he doesn't know. But he did manage to somehow acquire access to her cellular information (!!) and he discovered that she never had a Limiter implanted to begin with. ...This narration is admittedly a little sketchy on what exactly a Limiter is, but even Solarians are supposed to get them as they make you instinctively fear the Emperor and the Gazel. Handy in election years! In any case, Elly doesn't have one, and Fei and Bart and Billy have to go save her now. Citan will take it upon himself to go destroy the last Gate.

...since when do you have sword?

The part of Citan's sword will be played tonight by a sound effect.

I made an oath to my wife many years ago that I would never kill with this sword again. But as I just kill people with my bare hands otherwise, it is pretty technical as oaths go.

Awww. Citan is the worst husband.