(part four)

Fei and Bart are picked up by Bart's pirate ship, and Citan is very happy that Fei wasn't crushed to death by the quicksand. You're a good guy, Citan.

Master Bartholomew, I hope you told your new friend that you're sorry for attacking him and burying him alive in the desert.

Well, I took a rain check on killing him.

That's like being sorry.

Please forgive the Young Master, he is an idiot. I'm Sigurd, the First Mate of the ship, the Yggdrasil. And I suppose you've already met our captain.

In fact, I'd say that's better than being sorry. Because you aren't dead!

Sigurd drags Bart off by the ear, and he is presumably put to bed without supper. Fei and Citan are left alone with free access to an entire battleship.

So... pirates!


The Yggdrasil docks at the pirates' hideout, which is suspiciously military and high tech, and they are greeted by a pack of bratty children. They are not impressed by Bart's tales of selflessly putting himself in danger to save a new friend, possibly because they know him, and they do not leave him alone until he turns out his pockets and gives them toys. Yup, they're pirates all right.

Bart tells Fei and Citan to go hang out with the butler for a while, because he has things to do! Pirate things!

I'm Maison. Would you like some tea?

We would love some tea!

Wow, this is really good tea, too.


Bartholomew is actually the last of the Fatima dynasty, the royal family of Aveh! His father the king was assassinated twelve years ago when Shakahn and Gebler overthrew the monarchy! We told everyone he was dead and then raised him in secrecy in the hopes that one day he could reclaim his throne!

Why has the prince and his retainers turned to piracy?

We had hoped to excavate the ruins ourselves, but it turns out that is work or something. So the Young Master decided that he'd rather sink Aveh sandships and steal their giant robots in the hopes of upsetting the power balance between Aveh and Kislev. More tea?


Maison goes onto explain that they can't do anything against the occupation at the moment, because Gebler has taken Lady Marguerite, Bart's cousin, prisoner! Marguerite is the Holy Mother of the Nisan Church, which sort of makes her the pope. It should be noted that the Nisan Church is not the same as the Ethos Church that we have been hearing about so far. The Nisan Church is groovy and believes in women being priests and gay marriage, and they are not so much about digging up robots. Will this be confusing? Only time will tell. (Yes.)

Fei's eyes have totally glazed over, and Citan has spontaneously developed telekinesis. Maison is polite and does not comment on this.

Gebler has taken Marguerite because she has some crazy piece of jewelry called the Fatima Jasper, and when her Jasper and Bart's are combined they create a treaure map or something that tells you where to find the Fatimas' most valuable possession, which would supposedly protect Aveh in times of strife. Well, that sounds pretty useful! Why didn't you guys try doing that before Marguerite got herself abducted? Apparently they don't even know what the treasure is, which does not seem terribly proactive of them.

Screw you, narration, I totally know what it is! It's a giant robot!

Oh, pardon me, of course it's a giant robot.

Hi, guys, I'm back!

You think your family's treasure is a giant robot?

Well, yeah, pretty much everything is a giant robot, isn't it?

Anyway, we have some scrolls or something that shows the first king of Aveh screwing around with giant robots, so if the treasure is a sword or something I'm going to be really pissed. You wanna see?

We would love to see your scrolls, young man.

This is the worst date I ever been on.

Bart takes Citan and Fei to his planning room, which has no seating and no where to stand and has a giant viewscreen built into the floor.

Citan is polite and acts impressed, but this is clearly the worst design for a planning room ever. Bart blames Sigurd.

The scroll says it's a giant, but whatever, that's a robot.

We need to rescue your cousin before Gebler can find it!

I know, right! I figured since I helped you guys, you could help me get her back.

Yes... helped.

Whatever, Sigurd says Aveh and Kislev are both after you, so you'll help if you know what's good for you.

Oh well, why not. What do you think, Fei?

Fei has fallen asleep. But now he is angry! Everyone is always asking him to fight stuff! He doesn't even like fighting! He likes painting! What is wrong with everybody, anyway? He ain't got time to help bitches reclaim their throne, he has important flipping out to do!

Are you still mad about the buttplug worm?


But you like me, right?

Fei runs from the room like a Disney princess fighting with her dad. He doesn't really have anywhere to stomp off to, though, so he satisfies his immediate destructive urges with ransacking Bart's bedroom. See how he likes it! But all he finds is a photograph of Bart and his cousin, which is precious and lame. Before he can make his escape, Bart comes in! Oh shit! Fei hides.

Yup, that's some good hiding.

Oh well, I guess Fei's not here! I'll go wait for him by the elevator!

He tries to wink but that is hard to do when you're missing an eye. He leaves.

I still got it.

Fei heads over to the elevator, where Bart is waiting to tell him that Citan told him everything, and it's okay, dude! He can still lead a normal life, probably, with some therapy, but he should still help Bart rescue his stupid cousin. Fei flies into another rage because he is kind of a jerk, as it turns out.

Some of us don't like fighting, okay?

Hey, I don't like fighting, either!



Bart launches into a soliloquy about the horrors of war and how if we don't fight back against the people who start wars then nothing will ever get better, and Fei shouldn't run away from reality, because that is lame! Also, their mechanic wants to talk to Fei about his giant robot. ...horrors of war! He runs off to sulk.

God, these are some boring pirates.

Fei goes down to the giant robot hanger to talk to this mechanic. This is a mistake, because the guy totally just wanks on about how great Fei's robot is. Fei doesn't like robots! Also, apparently it's full of black boxes that no one can get into and they have no idea what they're for. Does Fei have any idea what they do, by any chance?

I don't actually know anything about robots, sir.

Sigurd and Citan catch up with him, and Sigurd says he wants to show Fei something. He takes him to where the Yggdrasil is docked, and Bart is standing on top of the ship and talking to his dead father.

This is actually pretty sad, and Fei is immediately uncomfortable.

What did I do wrong, Dad? Fei seems like a nice guy, but whenever anyone asks him to kill people he gets all upset! Man, I don't even want to be king. You were king and look what happened to you! No offense.

Should we really be spying on him like this? This seems kind of personal.

All he needs is a friend, Fei! He's very lonely! Why do you have to be such a jerk?

Well, he also needs someone to blast into Bledavik with him and rescue his cousin. I don't see why that's such a damn sticking point with you.

Ugh, fine, I'll think about it!

Everyone goes to bed! Pirates keep a tight schedule. While everyone is asleep, a bunch of dorks from Gebler break in! They talk smack about Aveh and discuss the merits of stealing some of the pirates' giant robots, but apparently they knock one over or something, and it proceeds to knock all the other robots over all domino-like, because they wake Fei up and he is like three stories upstairs.


Hurry, Fei, you need to get in your giant robot, we are under attack!

I don't want to get in a giant robot! You get in a giant robot!

Fine, I will!

He does! He picks one at random and is a total bad ass with it, because getting your ordinary country doctorate is a brutal process, okay? He and Bart fight the Gebler dorks, but Citan soon determines that they are coked up or something, because they can't break their robots. Well, you're the doctor.

What's this? Fei has decided he wants to get in his giant robot after all! God, Fei, are you bipolar or something?

Ha ha. Ha.

With Fei's help they are able to defeat the Gebler dorks, but since the hidden base is clearly not hidden anymore they decide they have to go ahead with Marguerite's rescue now. Fei agrees to help! Bart is confused, but he thanks him, and they start hashing out their plan. Ironically it does not involve giant robots at all, though it does involve swimming through a water main.

God dammit, you guys.