XENOGEARS: A ROPE OF ROBOTS (part twenty-four)

Billy and the party defeat Stone! Hm, anticlimactic. This narration maybe ended the last part at an awkward spot. No matter! Stone and Jesiah are both dead! Two birds with one, ah, stone, eh Billy?


No, I changed my mind! I don't hate my Dad at all!

Christ, you are NEVER HAPPY.


Billy, I am sorry, I never should have made such a thing.


...You built the Buntline for my father?


Are you retarded?


It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Billy fires a couple of shots off the bow for his fallen drunk of a father. On that note, everyone has a moment of silence for Jesiah. It is all very solemn and sad.


..Well! I'm bored. When's the wake?


Well, this was all pretty sudden, we haven't had time to plan--


Heeeeey, wait a second.


Jesiah! You are alive!

Lucky thing the party has a doctor on hand to make this announcement! They might have been standing around all day trying to figure this out.


Did I mention that I modified the Buntline so it doesn't kill the pilot? It's a good thing I noticed it does that, since the instruction manual doesn't mention it for some reason.


Ha ha! Well, that is good.


I guess.


Papa!


And Primera is cured! Let's get a freeze frame on everyone laughing and run the credits on this plot arc!


Wait, what?

It's a Christmas miracle! Let's go inside, everyone!


Just a wait a second! Primera, speak to me!


 


Say my name!


 


She says you need to lose the bow.


I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE, DAD, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME

So that's over, and everyone is happy! Except Billy. Angels and choirs could not make Billy happy. Everyone goes inside to talk this out like they should have done like four game hours ago. Hey, let's not go check on that orphanage or anything.


So would anyone like to hear why I abandoned my family all those years ago?


...Yes?

This is not a question a real man can answer without a wall of text. Back when Jesiah's family all lived in Solaris, Jesiah heard about something called the Malakh Plan -- hereafter known as the M Plan, because this script has time for some random Hebrew but not all of it -- which a guy named Krelian is in charge of. Don't worry about Krelian quite yet, this game takes its sweet time explaining whatever the hell his deal is. It's very complicated, his deal.

Anyway, Jesiah does not actually know what the M Plan is, but it involves turning like everyone within earshot of Krelian into zombies, so Jesiah thought he should maybe look into it. It turns out the project's head scientist, Nikolai, took the M Plan's information, loaded it and his daughter into a giant robot and just launched them into the sky randomly or something. Nikolai is a terrible father! But, anyway, speaking of terrible fathers.


I moved my family down here to the surface and continued to look for this giant robot, but all I ever managed to find out is that it probably ended up in Shevat. But that was totally worth the death of my wife and the lifelong emotional scarring of my children!


SHEVAT

Fei could hear that shoe dropping from all the way from sickbay. Oh, and he brought the elipsis poisoning guy with him! That was random of him. Perhaps they are friends now.


Are you two all right? Shouldn't you be in bed or something?


Dammit, it's been like half the game already, somebody explain Shevat to me!

Fei only wishes that that was half the game. Well, luckily for our heroes, the guy they rescued from Ethos Headquarters is a Shevat agent! He confirms that there is at minimum one little girl and one giant robot in Shevat, but he can't help them with their main problem, which is that there is no easy way to get in touch with or reach Shevat from the surface. But there is one extremely difficult way! Shevat was originally situated on top of something called Babel Tower, and there may still be communication equipment up there. Man, there's a cliche Square hasn't used since like Final Fantasy IV.


Why have I suddenly been consumed by an overwhelming sensation of dread?


It's like my bones just turned to ice!


Yeah! Wow, weird!


There is... a good chance that anything in Babel Tower has been destroyed, since the Ethos have been in control of this region for so long...


WOOO SHEVAT


Fei, everyone on board the ship just stopped in their tracks as though feeling the shadow of death passing over them.


You guys, Solaris is pushing us around like they own the world or something, we have to go! We have to find out what that stuff beneath Ethos Headquarters means, and The M Plan!


You have been asleep for like a week and a half, don't you even front!


Okay, so maybe I have one or two tiny personal reasons of my own, but I'm the main goddamned character! BABEL TOWER, HERE WE COME!

And then everyone crosses themselves, even though only one of them is Catholic. It just... feels appropriate.

Meanwhile, the Gazel are talking to Krelian about... something.


Well, did we find anything in Zeboim?


Yes. I have obtained a colony of nanomachines.


BORING

They talk about the M Plan with irritating vagueness, and the "Mother," and "that cursed flesh," yadda yadda, evening with the folks. Krelian points out that the Gazel exist as data now, and that he uploaded them to "SOL-9000," so they can't push him around. He'll send them cheesy movies, the worst he can find, so they need to wise up. He... does not say that, pardon.

Anyway, our heroes have found Babel Tower. It was also on the world map! GPSs have sort of taken the romance out of travel.

Okay. So. Babel Tower. Even if you have never played a second of Xenogears in your life, you have probably heard about Babel Tower.


Well... this doesn't look so bad.


Yeah. It's just a massive platforming section.


In a game not really designed for platforming at all.


With a weird bug involving enemy encounters and jumping.


Not to mention lousy camera controls.


Surely the game designers took all this into account...?

Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA AAAARRRGH. ...Sorry, this narration just thought of a funny joke it heard earlier. And then had a flashback to playing through Babel Tower.


JUMP FOR THE SWINGY BIT


AUGH NO WE'RE GOING TO FALL


SON OF A BIIIIIITCH


OH NO WE'RE GOING TO FALL AGAIN


AUUUGH

This narration can do this all day.


JUMP JUMP


I CAN'T JUMP, A RANDOM ENCOUNTER LOOKED AT US


SON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH

But it won't! Because Babel Tower is fucking boring, in addition to being a gigantic pain in the ass. ...Well, maybe a little more, wouldn't want to misrepresent this game at all.


OH GOD, AN ELEVATOR, GO FOR THE ELEVATOR


THERE IS A FIXED ENEMY ENCOUNTER ON THE ELEVATOR


WE'RE GOING TO FALL AGAIN


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Eventually they find some kind of space elevator.


DON'T FALL OFF THE SPACE ELEVATOR


AUUUGH

Has everyone relived their long-forgotten trauma sufficiently? Okay, assuming the player hasn't hanged him or herself, the space elevator -- which looks suspiciously like a set from Star Trek flipped onto its end, hmmm -- takes the party up and outside the tower, and then to the top. Or, you know, near the top, somewhere. Not near enough.


...Are we getting shot at?

Yes, a little bit.


Hello, Fei! I've been looking all over for you! I may have only sort of killed you before, but this time I mean business!


...Seriously?

Ramsus and Miang attack the party in their giant robots! Elly insists that she removed all the military tracking stuff from her giant robot, so apparently the party was just screaming in frustration so loudly during the platforming section that Gebler heard them. Well, no matter, our heroes defeat them pretty soundly yet again. Unfortunately, this time they brought a battleship with them.


Miang to the bridge! Fire on those giant robots!

It probably would have been easier all around to just keep doing that to begin with. But before the ship can resume fire, the ship starts shaking!


What the hell was that?

It was a giant floating city going by, apparently!


Oh, right, Shevat.

The party cannot see the giant floating city from where they are standing, so they just watch the ship fly away and shrug at each other. Back to climbing the tower!


COCK MONKIIIIEEEEEEEES

Etc, etc.


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